YAWNING IS DANGEROUS!!!

Ever want to know what it’s like to be in a small town Emergency Room in Japan?  I sure as hell didn’t. But apparently, the universe thought differently.

My Monday had started off well.  It wasn’t a busy day at work; I was totally prepared for my next day of classes.  For once, I was on top of things.  Well, as “on top of” that I can be.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am huge procrastinator.  Most of my Tuesday lessons were simply made up of things I hadn’t yet gotten to in previous lessons… Anywho…

I went to friend’s place to watch some American Football.  Giants versus Seahawks, which I realize was already played in the USA, but hell, I can’t watch football here unless I have cable (which I don’t) or I want to stay up until 3 a.m. on a work night (which I don’t… at least not to watch football).  All was well, we ate pizza, watched the game, made some dumb jokes.  Laughed out loud at a song called, “F^ You" and then I went and did something seemingly harmless yet turned out to be an incredibly dangerous act.

I yawned.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You are stupid. I yawn all the time and there’s nothing dangerous about it.”  Oh, but there is my friend.  There is.  I ended up in the Emergency Room because I yawned. 

When yawning, I’m used to my jaw popping in and out a bit, but it always pops back into place.  Not last night. No sir, no ma’am.  It rebelled against its natural position and decided that it wanted to hang out for a big.  Literally.  My friend thought I was playing a joke.  Honestly, I don’t know who would want to play a joke with their mouth hanging wide open, but that’s just me.  (Just think of all the pervy things that would automatically be said.)  At first, it was kind of funny.  I could laugh (because it’s natural to laugh with your mouth open) a bit as we Googled “how to pop your jaw back into place” and everything said GO TO THE ER!  FIND AN EMERGENCY DENTIST! DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS YOURSELF.  I had only attempted a couple of times at this point, but the pain of it kept me from being too stupid about.

So, I jumped in my friend’s car to go to the Emergency Room.  The aching pain started to set in at this point and my head also started hurting.  I held a napkin up to my mouth because I couldn’t swallow.  That’s a horrible feeling, by the way, not being able to swallow and all your spit HAS to come out.  Drooly McDroolerson over here was not happy.

The first thing my friend and I realized was that Japanese hospitals and emergency rooms are not easily found.  This seems like bad planning to me.  You would think that there would be ridiculously well marked signs in picture form that scream out to citizens and foreigners “Hey douche bag!!  It’s THIS way!”  But, apparently, that’s asking too much.  Instead, we first passed the hospital completely and then drove to what looked like the entrance.  Have you ever seen a hospital with its lights off?  It’s a disheartening feeling when you can’t shut your mouth.  Thank goodness I wasn’t bleeding to death or about to give birth.  That would have sent me straight into phase two “I hate Japan!” mode right quick, turns out I only teetered there that night.  I am glad to say that I am still safely in phase one of happiness and wonder and awe.  Whoopie!

Feeling lost and frightened while staring at the darkness of the hospital, we accosted this poor high school kid… only in Japan would a high school kid finally be getting home around 10 o’clock at night… and made him find the ER for us.  Not well marked or in the easiest place to get to, but it was there. Yippee!  My friend dropped me off to go park the car and I went inside, luckily the receptionist was right inside the door.

I took out my shitty phone translator and typed in “jaw popped.”  I learned that the Japanese word for jaw is “ago.”  Just in case anyone needs to go to the ER in Japan for a popped jaw. Plus, this just goes to show that you can learn something new in any circumstance if you really want to.  Go me. They looked at me with sympathetic faces as I fished out my gaijin (foreigner) card and insurance card with one hand, while trying to catch drool with the paper towel in the other.

As soon as my friend came in, they started directing all comments towards him.  Which was fine because he could actually understand their Japanese and I didn’t know what they were saying.  But I couldn’t help but think how pissed off I would have been had they done that to me in America.  Uh… I’M the patient… that can’t talk or understand… oh yeah, please do talk to him now that I think about it.

They sent us to the waiting room.  I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the long 4-5 hour wait that usually seems to happen in the ER… at least, not being a frequent visitor of the ER, I went off of what I see on TV.  TV never lies and always portrays things in such an accurate light; so of course, I thought I would be waiting.  Because they do on TV.  Surprisingly, I was directed into a treatment room almost immediately.  Well, immediately after the doctor and his student came out into the waiting room, looked at me, and laughed uncomfortably at my distorted face.

This is when my mind started to take a perverted turn. I know what you’re thinking, “Shanyn, that’s a long time for you.  Usually, you’re thinking sick and or perverted things right off the bat.”  Well, yes, this is true… I don’t know what was wrong with me.  Oh yeah, my freaking mouth couldn’t close and I was drooling on myself. But what were these men thinking?  A woman is brought in by a man and her jaw is locked.  I made a point of making sure my friend told them that I yawned and my jaw popped.  And that we were watching American football.  And that I really like American football.  I’m sure they were like, “Yeeeeaaaaahhhh… OF COURSE you were watching football.”  But it would have been in Japanese, not English… ‘cause they think in Japanese. Glad I felt the need to explain that to you.  Anyway, I would have been thinking that a popped/locked jaw didn’t happen from a yawn.  At least before, I am more apt to believe this type of story from someone else from now on.

Anywho…

The first doctor brings me inside and laughs at me in that uncomfortable way that the Japanese do.  Then, the grabbed onto my jaw and told me to “relax”.  This is virtually impossible in this situation.  And he pulled and I resisted and finally my friend was like, “Raise your hand if you want them to stop.”  Perhaps only he could interpret my groans and moans of pain.  Luckily, the doctor did actually stop when I lifted my hand.  He then directed me to the table and asked me to lie down.  Then he instructed another doctor to hold my head, another to hold my shoulders, and someone (I’m not sure who) held my legs down.  Yay.  Once again, he tried to pop my jaw back in place, and my body automatically fought back.  My mind was saying “be still”, my body was saying “Fuck you mind! This hurts like a bitch!”  Finally, he stopped after tears streamed from my eyes.

The nurse was very sweet and patted me and gave me tissues, and my friend was nice enough to take my spit rag and give me fresh ones.  He’s a good friend.  Any friend who is willing to take something with your nasty drool all over it is a friend to keep around.  They had to call in the top doctor.  Apparently, when this happens to Japanese folk, their jaws pop in back easily.  But my big American jaw was causing quite a problem.  The top doctor, accompanied by his student, made his way down after only a few minutes.  He gave me that sympathetic look and laughed uncomfortably as well.  I would hate to think how much they would have laughed if I had a knife in my chest.  Perhaps they would have fallen to the floor in tears? But I digress… he took his thumbs, shoved them to back of my mouth and did something that I remember caused me a lot of pain.  I didn’t mean to, but I grabbed his wrists, but thankfully, my jaw was back in place by that time and I was done.  I started crying again for three reasons.  One, I was happy that I could close my mouth and swallow my spit.  Two, it hurt like a son of a bitch.  Three, I really wanted my mom and dad.  (Mom and dad, if you’re reading this (and you better be) you may now feel delighted at how much I love you and want you around in times of need. Thanks for being awesome parents.)

I was able to say an “Arigatou, sensei” (doctors are called sensei in Japan) through my tears and made my way back out to the waiting room to wait as the 5 doctors in the room discussed why whatever particular technique was necessary for my particular situation.  At least, that’s what I am going to think they were discussing instead of something like “I bet she’ll think twice before giving that guy…..”  I swear on the life of all that is sacred, it was a YAWN!!

So, for the visit and the 3 pain killers they gave me, I was out about $100. In my opinion, it’s the best $100 I’ve spent in Japan so far.  I also couldn’t help but think that in America, that trip would have cost me a lot more.  It would have too because I had shit insurance in America. Yay for national healthcare!  Wheeeeeeee!

So anyway, I am trying to get into the habit of either not yawning (which is impossible) or holding my jaw when I do yawn.  Easier said than done.  I was also given strict orders by my father to not chew gum.  So all day, I’ve been eating M&Ms whenever I feel like my breath stinks.  I think it’s a good trade off for now.

So anyway, with all that excitement, I have sore jawline but a funny story to tell at the old folks’ home.  Even though, I’ll probably forget what I was talking about halfway through the story and suddenly become preoccupied with the fact that the young man in the corner needs to drink some milk….

What I’m trying to say is, don’t do anything to dangerous, like get too tired, and be mindful when you yawn because it might send you to the hospital!